After church...

I received a nice email from my dad after church.  He apologized if any if his words hurt me and asked in a somewhat cryptic manner if we could move forward in harmony.  (He always is cryptic so the message was not a-typical)

My first reaction was excitement and hope and I wanted to reply, "yes, let's get together and hug and be merry"

Than came the realization and memory that this church service was a finale send off to a long family vacation my father just had with his family, his family that excludes me.  

I read the email at least 100 times.  At one point I thought I would forward it to my sisters and ask if they believed in their heart of hearts if my father had any love for me whatsoever.  But the email itself reveals the answer to my question.  He asks me to be kind to those he loves and lists his children.  

Perhaps he doesn't mean a slight to me when he says, "please be kind to those I love" but I can't help but to feel its analogous to the picture he and his family have about good and evil.  And that picture is that there is good and there is evil.  And good is what lies within the walls of the family home.  Evil is what resides everywhere else.  And because I come from the outside world, I am that evil, at least until I prove myself otherwise.  

I believe that there is good and evil in all of us and in all of our homes.  Or at least there is the capacity for both great good and great evil in all people and in all homes   I subscribe more to the Ying and Yang theory rather than the saint and demon theory.

I read John Bradshaw's book titled "family secrets" and it has been so far the most helpful book in understanding my secret family.  The book is directed towards the person growing up in the family with the secret, rather than the person who is the secret, but it gave me perspective.   Mr. Bradshaw explains this concept of the family unit protecting itself from the outside "evil" trying to tear them apart. 

The reality is yes, there is an evil tearing them apart, but its not outside their home.  It's within the walls, it's the evil of the secret.  And because I'm the secret, they have transferred the fear of the evil to me, rather than to the source of the secret.  And so when I am asked to be kind to someone that the laws of nature indicate I would do so automatically, it feels like a slight.   The only analogy I can give is asking a mother to be patient with her own child. 

Back to my fathers email.  I am glad he sent me something.  I am grateful to know that at some level he does care, even if he still cannot connect that for me being excluded still hurts.  And while I would love to call him and be with him I cannot, because the relationship will always be a hurtful one.  One in which I will forever be asked to understand how difficult it is for others to acknowledge I exist. Or as I have heard too many times, "can't you understand how difficult it is to see the face of a lie?"

I did respond to the email. "The blessing was sweet." I said, "Thank you" and I left it at that.