Shortly after my father told his family about me I learned that some of my half siblings were debating my intentions and the methods of which I would enact my revenge.
I was dumbfounded. Revenge? I didn't want revenge, I wanted to be a part of my family. I wanted to be reunited with my siblings the same way the ugly duckling is embraced by the flock of swans. I envisioned that when my siblings learned of me they would want to dance with me in a field of wild flowers like the bee girl in the music video by Sublime.
Some, certainly not all of my siblings instead became fearful. They accused me almost instantly of trying to tear apart the family and warned each other to be watchful of my hidden agenda.
I wrestled with this notion from every perspective, I couldn't understand how they could not empathize with me and feel sorrowful that I was left alone, without them. Now, years later and with a lot of reading and therapy sessions, I have learned why they are or were so fearful. Now I understand that when you are raised under the pretext of a lie, you can't help but to grow up feeling very insecure that life isn't what you think it is and that insecurity presents itself in the most insidious means.
It was impossible for me to see the situation as if I were the lucky one, but in many ways I was. I always knew, from the time I was born that my father had no intention of being my father. It was one of my first memories. On the other hand, my half siblings were raised by a pious LDS return missionary who raised them to be reflections of Jesus Christ. Certainly this man was not the type of man who would have an affair and than deny his own child.
But that was years ago, and still some cast me aside, or at least that is what it feels like. So today, as I write this I ask myself, what is my intention? Is it revenge?
I check my emotions and certainly there is anger still there no matter how I try to reason it away. There is heartbreak and extreme sadness for the words that have been directed at me and even my children and husband. There is apathy for persons who are so indifferent to someone that had an unfair start when it could have been any one of them cast aside instead of me. But there is also love and hope. Hope that someday I might not only be accepted but that I also might be loved.
So is this blog about revenge? No, I don't believe that is my intention. And even if it were, what would revenge look like? Banishment from your family? Because I know what that feels like, it is impossible for me to wish that on anyone.
I would like to think this blog is not for me but for others out there. Those souls who have been led to believe that they don't matter because their parents cast them aside or ran from them or hid them in a figurative attic.
You do matter. It's not your fault that you were born and you deserved to be loved, if not by your birth family than at least by someone like myself who can demonstrate that love by letting you know you are not alone.
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