Oh what a Pandora box Facebook is.
My father's confession to his family about having an illegitimate love child from an extra-martial affair was in the Spring of 2008. I joined Facebook in the fall of that year.
I remember my older sister tried to explain Myspace to me when she first spoke to me. She said I could find her profile and learn all about her. I remember thinking that was weird. Than one day later in year someone explained social networking as a 24/7 party and I was instantly converted, been a Facebook junkie ever since.
How grateful I am that my father confessed prior to the Facebook becoming so mainstream. I am grateful beyond measure that I was lucky enough to have this secret out before I was tempted to go searching for my family via Facebook pages.
That being said, this introduction to my paternal family in a world that was simultaneously discovering how to use Facebook hasn't been without some difficulty.
The first heartache come in early 2009. My father had told his children about me in the spring of the year prior. A number of my sisters reached out to me instantly and even my father's wife was willing to spend a day with me at a truck stop diner. So in same ways things were moving along surprisingly well.
And than there were the others. My brothers and one sister remained very aloof and their aloofness hurt more than words can describe.
Their unwillingness to accept me and love me was the fear that held me back for those 16 years my father kept me hidden. I had let others convince me that my siblings were better off not even knowing I was alive and I believed that for 16 years and now they were clinging to each other and all the while rejecting me and it was my worst fear being magnified and amplified at every event.
There was the cruise my father took his wife and "kids" on in the late summer of 2008. I was not invited and I'm sure from anyone else perspective, that made sense. For me, I was either my father's daughter or I wasn't and if I was, shouldn't I have been invited and if I wasn't shouldn't he just come out and say that I wasn't. Than there were family picnics and family birthdays and family reunions and the worst part of all, there was Christmas.
For someone who spent many many holidays alone, the holidays were just crushing in their cruelty. All the symbolism of family and forgiveness and love and the message of Christ. And you can't go around acting like Scrooge. So you smile and you learn to hide your loneliness and you go home and you cry your eyes out.
So when my sister sent me a Facebook friend request that January, I made a mistake and I rejected her. I told her that I didn't care for the abuse she and my brothers had dolled out on me and that Facebook was no place for two people who are supposed to be sisters to get to know each other.
She waited until Valentine's day to lash out at me for my response. And to really hammer in the message of her having a loving family to spend holidays with, our mutual brother lashed out shortly after. CCing everyone in their family. I was crushed again that they couldn't see my perspective and even more hurt that they had each other. My husband did his best to comfort me, but needless to say, our romantic night out on Valentine's day was ruined when I made the stupid error of looking at my phone and seeing a message from my sister who had never sent me a message prior to this.
A few weeks later my sister's mother called me, she told me I was stupid and that I should apologize to my sister, she also told me she didn't ever want to see my "ugly" face and then she hung up on me.
Ugh, what awful memories. So back to Facebook.
After some time (a few years) had gone by and I realized that my sister was in fact trying in the only way she knew how, which was to send a friend request on Facebook, that perhaps I should have been more open to her way of reaching out. So I sent all my siblings a friend request and to her specifically, I included a note that said I would understand if she didn't accept.
Now what I believe to be about a year after my Facebook reach out, my brother has accepted my friend request. I wish I knew why.
Is it because he wants to get to know me? Does he think about me and wonder what my life was like in the same way I think about him and wonder what his life is like? Is it just a means to show he is trying when he doesn't want anything to do with me? Is it because of the upcoming wedding where he believes he will see me? Are his intentions good and kind?
I wish so much we could just talk, but I'm afraid to call him and so I will see him at the wedding (and the others) and my heart will pound with fear and I'll want to run and hide and I'll be under scrutiny for those that want to prove I'm out for no good and also for those that want to protect my feelings. I will do my best to pretend things are normal but will feel like a thousands pounds are on my shoulder. Meanwhile, those that love me will watch for a moment to rise to the occasion and say defensive words on my behalf and that of course will just make everything worse.
So what's a girl to do.....
Once more into the fray
Into the last good fight I'll ever know
Live and die on this day
Live and die on this day
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