Friday, September 27, 2013
Finding my voice...
With the reconciliation with my dad comes the every pressing question of should I friend him on Facebook.
I think of Facebook the way the Justin's Dad from Shitmydadsays says about weddings.
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
So with that I sent my dad a Facebook invite. And we had some back and forths on the whole merits of this course of actions. And with that, I felt like I found my voice. This is what I told him.
Hello Dad,
I think of Facebook the way the Justin's Dad from Shitmydadsays says about weddings.
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
So with that I sent my dad a Facebook invite. And we had some back and forths on the whole merits of this course of actions. And with that, I felt like I found my voice. This is what I told him.
Hello Dad,
The "melt-down" came when a post was made about the delicate issue of finding a birth parent. So to that effect, I would offer that if you want to offer advice to someone that has struggled with the issue of whether or not to find a birth parent, you ask someone that had to deal with that issue on a very personal level how they feel about it.
Please don't criticize how I handle things that cause me to feel un-loved, criticized or otherwise ostracized. I have been my worst critic in this regard and I will not be made to feel bad again for having a negative emotion to an incredibly taxing situation.
I know it's incredibly difficult to understand my perspective and I don't expect you to. I do need the freedom to respond in the most appropriate matter I have at my disposal at that time. I can assure you that my response will at times be less than a complete transference of the principles of love, and I can also assure you that beyond that I will keep trying. It is the fact that I keep trying that I keep making mistakes. I could choose to never respond, never reach out and instead throw myself into my work, home repair, parenting, charitable events or a million other distractions.
If this position causes you to feel uncomfortable "friending" me on Facebook, I completely appreciate that and there will be no bad feelings because of it.
I will also offer that one area I have been struggling with is the holidays. I was very hurt last Christmas. I tried very hard to show love at a time of year that is supposed to be about love and with the exception of a just a few, I felt very little reciprocated while posts of loved ones floated across the screen of fun times at Dad's house playing Christmas games.
What am I to do? Ask others to downplay their joy? Whine about not being included? Every option except to just pretend I'm invincible to the effects of isolation only subject me to ridicule for not being perfect or subject those I love to feel bad about something they have no control over.
This year, I will hide from Christmas. I will suspend my Facebook account Mid-November. And with the exception for those that thought of me last Christmas, I will not buy gifts or send cards. When 2014 rolls in, I will return to trying to find my place in the family but I just can't do that at Christmas time.
So with these disclosures that I am not perfect and that Facebook is a barbed-wire web of communications and I will come and go on that forum as I feel I need to; I cannot do anything but to offer a friend request and let the receiver decide if they are willing to be part of someone's life that is not perfect.
Again, no hard feelings either way. I'm just doing what I feel I need to do and I understand that you are doing the same in return.
With love,"
I hope the roar that I have found doesn't leave me.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Won't you please just try a little harder...
I haven't updated my blog in awhile so a lot has happened. My dad did finally reach out to me and we did get together for dinner. I decided not to go with an agenda but rather just see what could be.
He came wanting to hash out a few difficulties from the past. Held fast to his position that Global Warming is a liberal hoax and his position is that is fact. Furthermore, for anyone to be upset by that fact is irrational. He mocked that I referred to my political beliefs as "believes" and "values" and didn't understand my analogy that making fun of the kind of underwear he wears as being equivalent to being made fun of for thinking climate change is a serious issue.
And included in all of that, he said he loved me. He said he wanted to be part of my children's lives. He said he wanted to do nice things for me and didn't know how. And these things are good.
It also got into a few accusations about what I have and haven't done for others. I remember at one point I said to him, "I'm not focusing on all of that, I'm just trying to figure out if you and I can have a relationship at all and I'm trying to figure out what that relationship will be"
So within this it came out that his wife felt that I slighted her at church. That she thinks my goal is to break up their family. So I thought about it after we parted and since my intention was never to cause anyone any bad feelings by going to the church event, I sent her a very sincere apology to that effect and blind copied my dad.
He later called to thank me for what he called a classy email and asked if I would send her a letter asking to have a woman-to-woman chat. That was yesterday and I told him I would think about it.
So here are my rambling thoughts for anyone out there trying to decide if they want to be reunited with a long lost family.
Why does it have to be about the family, why can't it be just about the individual relationships first?
Why does there always have to be these accusations of me trying to break up a family? As if I haven't got better things to do.
Why is the family members who were supposedly brought up with a loving and giving family expect the person who didn't to be the one to always extend the olive branch.
The truth is I get angry at myself when I try to extend the olive branch. I feel a sense of shame for putting my heart on my sleeve only to leave it out there hanging. I feel angry at the accusations that I am trying to break up a family.
So I'm not going to be sending any letters. I may instead invite him to send the same type of letter to my husband or my children. Or I may do nothing at all and just try to go back to the other areas of my life that are not so conflicted.
He came wanting to hash out a few difficulties from the past. Held fast to his position that Global Warming is a liberal hoax and his position is that is fact. Furthermore, for anyone to be upset by that fact is irrational. He mocked that I referred to my political beliefs as "believes" and "values" and didn't understand my analogy that making fun of the kind of underwear he wears as being equivalent to being made fun of for thinking climate change is a serious issue.
And included in all of that, he said he loved me. He said he wanted to be part of my children's lives. He said he wanted to do nice things for me and didn't know how. And these things are good.
It also got into a few accusations about what I have and haven't done for others. I remember at one point I said to him, "I'm not focusing on all of that, I'm just trying to figure out if you and I can have a relationship at all and I'm trying to figure out what that relationship will be"
So within this it came out that his wife felt that I slighted her at church. That she thinks my goal is to break up their family. So I thought about it after we parted and since my intention was never to cause anyone any bad feelings by going to the church event, I sent her a very sincere apology to that effect and blind copied my dad.
He later called to thank me for what he called a classy email and asked if I would send her a letter asking to have a woman-to-woman chat. That was yesterday and I told him I would think about it.
So here are my rambling thoughts for anyone out there trying to decide if they want to be reunited with a long lost family.
Why does it have to be about the family, why can't it be just about the individual relationships first?
Why does there always have to be these accusations of me trying to break up a family? As if I haven't got better things to do.
Why is the family members who were supposedly brought up with a loving and giving family expect the person who didn't to be the one to always extend the olive branch.
The truth is I get angry at myself when I try to extend the olive branch. I feel a sense of shame for putting my heart on my sleeve only to leave it out there hanging. I feel angry at the accusations that I am trying to break up a family.
So I'm not going to be sending any letters. I may instead invite him to send the same type of letter to my husband or my children. Or I may do nothing at all and just try to go back to the other areas of my life that are not so conflicted.
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