What exactly is an illegitimate child?

il·le·git·i·mate  

/ˌiləˈjitəmit/

Adjective Not authorized by the law; not in accordance with accepted standards or rules: "an illegitimate exercise of power by the military". (of a child) Born of parents not lawfully married to each other. I'm calling BS on number 2.  We don't live in the dark ages anymore, it's time to stop using dark age labels.

What I did that I regret most when I was introduced to my bio dad's family

It was a Monday morning, when my dad finally confessed to my paternal siblings.  His confession left me stunned, confused, excited, nauseous, dizzy, etc. etc.

I knew after I made the call to my half-brother the prior Tuesday that the truth would be forthcoming, when I told my dad that Thursday that I had called my brother and that he should be aware that his dirty secret was out, I had expectations.

I expected he and my brother would communicate, have a chat about how to move forward and how to tell the others.  Or at least one of them would call me that weekend to either learn more about me or discuss the method and timing of telling the others.

But the weekend came and went without any event.  I anxiously checked my phone and my computer for any sign of communication from either of them.  I checked my spam folders, re-read emails and dialed my own phone just to make sure it was working.  Needless to say it was a very long weekend.

Than Monday morning came and I felt so dejected, unresolved, tired, and worn out.  I had no plan going forward.  My father had seven other biological children that I knew about, I had only called one.  I was pretty certain at that time, I wouldn't have it in me to call another sibling.  Words cannot explain the terror and resolve it took to call my brother and say, "hi, I think I'm your half-sister."

I went to work and tried to pretend I was okay.  At about 10 a.m., I saw an email titled, "What have I done" and my heart jumped out of my chest.  I couldn't even read the words, I saw a mix of letters and paragraphs swirling around and around on the computer screen.   I wanted to throw up, I wanted to cry, I wanted to jump with joy.

I focused over and over and over again on the recipient list.  I counted the names; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN.  There were TEN names on the list.  I knew of 7, there was an extra 3. 

Who were these people, what did they look like?  Were they too in front of their computers?  Why did my dad send an email?  Are they happy to have a sister? Does it say I'm their sister?  Will they accept me? What will my life be like now?  What about my children and their children? What will my dad's wife do?

Excitement was probably the most prominent emotion, but as I scrambled to read the email with all the rambling paragraphs about Christ and the Garden of Gethesemane and my dad's ego and pride all splayed out that finally about three quarters of the way down there it was.  And this is what it said.

"You have a half-sister by my wrong doing, her name is Jana, her number is 800-XXX-XXXX"

THAT'S IT?

How will they know me? What will they expect?  And while I understand the underlying shame of my father's confessions, a sadness filled my heart as I thought to myself, "well, that is my birth announcement"  35 years late without any mention of love or pride for me as a person, just a sadness and sense of shame that I existed.

Well, without thinking and in my eagerness, I composed my own email about me, about my children, about my challenges and triumphs in life, about my pets, about my job, about everything and I hit "reply all"

Now, I regret a lot of things about this action of mine.  What I didn't realize than, is that a lot of my siblings didn't have smart phones or computers in front of them like I did.  I assumed they all got my dad's confession in real time, I had no idea that when they got home later that day, they would see my email first and my dad's second because for reasons only God knows, that is how emails are organized?  I regret that I didn't recognize that they would need some time to digest the email from their father.  I regret that their mother had no idea that this is how they would be told.  But these reasons are not why I'm sharing this story.

Mostly I regret that I shared my personal story with persons who didn't deserve to know about me.

Now that sounds kinda mean, but it is true.  Those siblings that have chosen not to accept me will tell you it's because of something I did or said, but I don't buy it.  There are a handful of siblings that have taken the position since day one that I'm not anything more than "a physical representation of a lie" and that I don't belong in their family and I really regret that they know anything about me.   Not that they know I exist, but that they know my personal stuggles. 

I was so eager to tell them my story and to hear their's I just assumed it would be reciprocal.  But some of them didn't want to know, didn't want to care.  

I have since learned that if someone doesn't ask about you, don't volunteer.  (ironic for a blogger to post this, however, if  you didn't want to read my thoughts, you wouldn't have made it this far, so obviously you are interested.)  I have learned that my story is valuable and I don't want to give it to anyone that isn't interested in paying me for my story, and the payment I expect is time and consideration.

Over the course of time, I told my dad more and more about myself.  When I reflect back, he never once asked about my life, ever.  I wanted him to know the heartache I endured because of his absence, somehow I thought this would make things a little better for me.  To face my tormentor and look him in the eye and say, "this happened because of your actions".   I have also learned that while my life would have been different had he been there, I still would have had heartache so perhaps while his abandonment was a horrible event that I had to learn to get beyond, it wasn't necessarily a cause and effect of all my other woes.

But more than that, I cherish my woes.  They are uniquely my own story.  Things that have happened and things I have overcome are my only trophies, ribbons and awards for a life well lived, even if those trophies, ribbons and awards are only in my mind.   At this point in time, my father doesn't deserve to know these stories.

My paternal grandfather is a WWII hero, a paratrooper that faught and survived some of the most historical battles in all of US history.  My father was content with denying me this heritage.    I only wish I would have denied him the story of me.

Again, for those of you out there with illegitimate parents, you are valuable, you are cherished and your life is worth knowing about, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I hope you are smarter than me and save your story for those who deserve it, those who will cherish it and for those that love you as a person.

Growing Up Fatherless

Created with Haiku Deck, the free presentation app for iPad

I grew up not knowing who my father was or anything about him. I didn't even learn his name until I was 19 years old. When I found him, he kept me a secret from his 7 other biological children by convincing me that all I would ever mean to them would be heartbreak. I broke though that horrible message and found a love I never dreamed of, this is that story in Haiku Deck fashion.

The Haiku story is meant to be simple.  There are many layers of complexity in my story.  There have been many different responses by my half-siblings; from being completely ignored, to be called a liar and compared to a thief in the night, to being loved, to being miss-understood and so on and so on.

This Haiku isn't meant to diminish the love of some of my other sisters, it's just that the actions of one sister have stood out and in choosing to wanting to end this Haiku Deck on a positive note, I choose to share her actions as a beacon of hope for other kids born to illegitimate parents. 

My story was filled with heartache, as yours may or may not be.  But if you feel it's worth the risk, than there is hope that you can be accepted and loved by a biological family member out there who doesn't know you exist yet. 

The timeline

For the sake of references to my other posts and for the benefit of my own memory and the desire to be historically accurate, I'm making a timeline of the story of finding my illegitimate father.  Theses events are recorded as I have learned they happened, not how I learned about each event.

About 1971 my father marries his wife

About 1972 my father has an affair with my mother, his wife is 2 months pregnant with their second child during this affair.

1973 I'm born and my father leaves a good job in the state I was born and to the bewilderment of his family, he moves to Hawaii.

About 1978 the State of Utah sends a letter to my father asking him to resolve the issue of my paternity.  His wife receives the letter, confronts him with it and he denies the allegations to her.  To my knowledge, this is the last communication between the State of Utah and my Father regarding the issue of my paternity.  About this same time, when my maternal half-siblings leave for a weekend trip with their father, my mother tells me with no other words or explanation, "you don't have a father".

About 1980 my step-father of the time tells me that my biological father lives in Hawaii and has two children.  This is all I will ever know about my father until I am 19 years old.

About 1991 I summon the courage to ask my mother for information about my father so I can find him.  She only recalls his name and a few other pieces of information, one key piece of information is that he went on an LDS mission to Germany before I was conceived.  Using the LDS missionary indexes I find my fathers parents address, they haven't moved.  I meet my paternal Grandmother who along with showing me a photo of my dads 7 other children, gives me enough information me to know my father moved to Washington state.  She also warns me that he will never choose me over his other children. I locate my father's home address and phone number.  I call my father and ask to met him, he agrees.

Between 1991 and 2008 we have a secret relationship filled with incredible turmoil and conflict.  I ask him to leave me alone numerous times and yet we somehow always stayed in touch. During this entire 16 years he refuses to tell his wife and kids about me.

About 2007 I have a medical scare and the desire for a complete medical profile moves to the forefront.

The News Breaks:

April 2008

I ask for a paternity test, my father gets wormy.  His replies are cryptic and indirect.  He asks me to call him at a hotel over the weekend to discuss the paternity test, all the while not realizing that I see calling him at a hotel as a sleazy and disgusting act.

Using a public records search for $39.00, I locate my eldest paternal brother and call my brother on a Tuesday. I explain I have reason to believe that I'm his half-sister and ask him to reach out to me when he is ready to talk about it.  My brother goes from anger to complete confusion on the call and I know he is hurt, I hang up with the knowledge that life will never be the same for any of us.

On that Thursday, my father sends another cryptic and vague reply with via email about my desired paternity test. I reply and add to the post script that I spoke to the eldest brother earlier in the week.  My father will deny ever receiving my email. 

On that Saturday evening, my father confesses to his wife that he fathered a child.

On the following Monday, my father sends an email to his 7 birth children and 3 foster children titled "What have I done" and confesses to them that he fathered a child. I am cc'd in the email.   In my excitement, I sent everyone a follow up email asking telling them more about me. (For the record, this was a dumb move on my part)

On that day, I communicate via telephone with the oldest foster sister and oldest birth sister. I communicate via email with the youngest foster sister and the two youngest birth sisters. 

Later that week, I send an email to my oldest brother to express my sympathies for how he learned of me.  He replies in anger, accuses me of lying and telling me I must be cruel to not understand he's mothers position and how difficult it must be to see my face, "the physical representation of a lie"

Between 2008 and 2012

I meet the oldest brother once and have had limited communications with him over the years.  He did accept my Facebook friend request.

I have yet to meet the two middle brothers. Although we have engaged in terse political emails. I have also communicated and enjoyed talking to their wives. 

I have only fought with the second oldest sister.  After six months of no communication, she reached out to me.  In my hurt, I snapped back at her.  Because of this one comment, she has vowed to never accept me.

I met my fathers wife and had a wonderful talk with her that lasted over 19 hours.  We got along great, however once I disagreed with the second oldest sister, she called me and threatened me over the telephone and vowed I would never be part of her family.  She did later invite me to a family event provided I understood I was not to be included in any of her family photos. I didn't attend.

I have become incredibly close to other second youngest sister, and the middle foster sister.  I also very much enjoy the company of the oldest and youngest sisters and the youngest foster sister.  I don't talk very often the oldest foster sister.

I guess the dynamics of the sibling relationships are fairly normal, even for families that grew up together.

Back to the relationship with my father.

May 2013 - he sends me a package with delivery tracking notice. The package is a letter that is truly awful with an award he received in 1980.  The award is for building an energy efficient home.  In the letter he denies climate change and tells me to read the bible. He also insinuates he is more energy conscience than me, as if it were some sort of contest.  I find this to be so completely childish, the only thing he didn't include is a tape recording of him saying, "nah nah nah nah"  This stems from a fight years ago, when he sent an email blasting the position of environmentalists. I asked to be removed from his email list and he has never forgiven me.

I had hoped that this would mark the end of the story between him and me.  But than just the other day he includes me on the cc list of another ridiculous email.  Sometimes there just isn't enough spam filters in the world.

I am not a lie and I certainly am not "illegitimate"

It's been a while since I posted any thoughts.  Mostly because things with my dad have only gotten worse and I was hoping they would get better.  Well, they didn't. 

The pinnacle of this disaster love story is a package he recently sent me, a very childish package.  He called me names, inferred I was an idiot because I believe in climate change and those were the nice parts of the letter.

The most infuriating was he decided once again to explain to me how difficult it is for his wife to meet "the lie".  How can a person refer to their own child as a "lie"?  

Why is it that society sticks those of us conceived by black hearted cheaters get the life long labels?  I am so sick of it, I'm not a lie?  

Illegitimate, why we have forbidden every prehistoric dark age label. We don't use the N word, the R word is on its way out, we have respectable names for members of the LGBT community, we don't go around calling victims of human trafficking horrible names.  But if you are conceived by a man who lies to your mother, who lies to his wife, who lies to the authorities and than lies to his other children and every soul he comes across, you still get the rotten label of illegitimate? A lie? A secret-love child? Or a bastard?

I don't think so, the only person who should be called a lie is a my father, yet he calls me a lie. 

I made a post earlier saying I thought I loved my father, I'd like to retract that post at this time.  My father is a horrible person who refers to his own child as a "lie".  I hope I never see him again.