Donor #150

I watched the PBS documentary tilted, Independent Lens, Donor 150 last night and obviously for me, it was a nail bitter.  Absolutely wonderful and a must see for anyone struggling with the issue of fatherhood and its role in this modern world we live in.

If you haven't heard or seen the film, the premise is the story of half-siblings of the same anonymous sperm donor finding each other through the online Donor Sibling Registry, and than later the story is picked up by the New York Times uniting even more half-siblings.

I will do my best not to spoil the film for you, although I cannot share my perspective without at least hinting at some of the outcomes from the documentary.  So you may want to bookmark this page and come back after you have watched the show.

One of my favorite moments of the film is when one of the founders of the online search registry makes the observation that the sperm banks only care about 3 things; making money, collecting donations, and keeping the donors anonymous.  There is absolutely no regard to the welfare of the children in regards to this industry.  She also comments about the need to remove the secrecy of this industry as that SECRECY IMPLIES SHAME.  

Obviously as a child who grew up without knowing anything about my paternal heritage I cringe at the idea of anonymous sperm donation.  Why we have laws that prevent selling our spare parts such as kidneys for income and yet allow half a soul's DNA to be sold as a commodity is absolutely maddening.  Not that I want to see poor people risk their lives selling their kidneys to the rich, but only to contrast the ludicrous nature of our laws.

There was something else very interesting about this show and it was the expectations these children had of who their paternal father might be.  They speculated a doctor, or artist or some other accomplished individual and of course this assumption makes sense.  It is after all the genius of the marketing of the sperm banks and it has permeated our pop culture via movies and TV shows as long as I can remember.

I on the other hand had very low expectations for my father.  I expected the kind of guy who knocks up a girl and leaves town to be a drug addict, a drunk or just out-and-out bum.  I guess that is marketing too.  My father is anything but those stereotypes, instead he is a clean-cut devout LDS man.  He doesn't drink nor smoke and pays his tithe regularly. He raised a dozen or so children and took them to regularly Sunday school class and taught them the importance of family and fatherhood.  He wasn't supposed to be the guy that abandoned his child and hid from state requested paternity testing.

So the kids of sperm donors expect doctors and children of illegitimate fathers expect drug addicts each for their respective fathers.  But when you pull back at the layers of these two fatherless homes, it really makes more sense that a guy with limited financial means would be the far more likely sperm donor.  And also that the guy pretending to be perfect the far more likely suspect of illegitimacy.  

So that brings me to the other part of the equation here which is the role of the mothers in this anonymity.  Somewhere we got lost in our pursuit of women equality.  Somewhere when society said, "Women can do anything a man can do" that they rolled into that tag line that women could somehow be a father too.  By accommodating anonymous sperm donation, we as a society reduced the role of fatherhood into nothing more than a contribution in a little cup.  Now we wake up to a world facing an epidemic of fatherless homes and wonder why?

Now I will be the first in line to burn my bra for equal pay, but just as I would never want my role of motherhood reduced to the gestation period of birthing a baby, we have to stop behaving as a society as if dad's don't matter.  I suggest we start by recognizing that a child has a right to their DNA records and heritage.

I'd like to amend this post, after reading comments on this blog about the same topic, I agree that the phrase Sperm Donor should be changed to the word Sperm Seller.  It's just another marketing gimmick by the Sperm Banks. 

bearing said...
Ann, why do you persist in calling him a "donor" and in writing that he "donated" his sperm?
By all meaningful definitions he is a seller of sperm. The term "donor" is deliberately used by promoters of this practice to deflect attention from the fact that it's a lucrative business, not a charity, that they run.
Surely you value precision more than obscureness here.
2/14/07, 2:28 PM

The timeline

For the sake of references to my other posts and for the benefit of my own memory and the desire to be historically accurate, I'm making a timeline of the story of finding my illegitimate father.  Theses events are recorded as I have learned they happened, not how I learned about each event.

About 1971 my father marries his wife

About 1972 my father has an affair with my mother, his wife is 2 months pregnant with their second child during this affair.

1973 I'm born and my father leaves a good job in the state I was born and to the bewilderment of his family, he moves to Hawaii.

About 1978 the State of Utah sends a letter to my father asking him to resolve the issue of my paternity.  His wife receives the letter, confronts him with it and he denies the allegations to her.  To my knowledge, this is the last communication between the State of Utah and my Father regarding the issue of my paternity.  About this same time, when my maternal half-siblings leave for a weekend trip with their father, my mother tells me with no other words or explanation, "you don't have a father".

About 1980 my step-father of the time tells me that my biological father lives in Hawaii and has two children.  This is all I will ever know about my father until I am 19 years old.

About 1991 I summon the courage to ask my mother for information about my father so I can find him.  She only recalls his name and a few other pieces of information, one key piece of information is that he went on an LDS mission to Germany before I was conceived.  Using the LDS missionary indexes I find my fathers parents address, they haven't moved.  I meet my paternal Grandmother who along with showing me a photo of my dads 7 other children, gives me enough information me to know my father moved to Washington state.  She also warns me that he will never choose me over his other children. I locate my father's home address and phone number.  I call my father and ask to met him, he agrees.

Between 1991 and 2008 we have a secret relationship filled with incredible turmoil and conflict.  I ask him to leave me alone numerous times and yet we somehow always stayed in touch. During this entire 16 years he refuses to tell his wife and kids about me.

About 2007 I have a medical scare and the desire for a complete medical profile moves to the forefront.

The News Breaks:

April 2008

I ask for a paternity test, my father gets wormy.  His replies are cryptic and indirect.  He asks me to call him at a hotel over the weekend to discuss the paternity test, all the while not realizing that I see calling him at a hotel as a sleazy and disgusting act.

Using a public records search for $39.00, I locate my eldest paternal brother and call my brother on a Tuesday. I explain I have reason to believe that I'm his half-sister and ask him to reach out to me when he is ready to talk about it.  My brother goes from anger to complete confusion on the call and I know he is hurt, I hang up with the knowledge that life will never be the same for any of us.

On that Thursday, my father sends another cryptic and vague reply with via email about my desired paternity test. I reply and add to the post script that I spoke to the eldest brother earlier in the week.  My father will deny ever receiving my email. 

On that Saturday evening, my father confesses to his wife that he fathered a child.

On the following Monday, my father sends an email to his 7 birth children and 3 foster children titled "What have I done" and confesses to them that he fathered a child. I am cc'd in the email.   In my excitement, I sent everyone a follow up email asking telling them more about me. (For the record, this was a dumb move on my part)

On that day, I communicate via telephone with the oldest foster sister and oldest birth sister. I communicate via email with the youngest foster sister and the two youngest birth sisters. 

Later that week, I send an email to my oldest brother to express my sympathies for how he learned of me.  He replies in anger, accuses me of lying and telling me I must be cruel to not understand he's mothers position and how difficult it must be to see my face, "the physical representation of a lie"

Between 2008 and 2012

I meet the oldest brother once and have had limited communications with him over the years.  He did accept my Facebook friend request.

I have yet to meet the two middle brothers. Although we have engaged in terse political emails. I have also communicated and enjoyed talking to their wives. 

I have only fought with the second oldest sister.  After six months of no communication, she reached out to me.  In my hurt, I snapped back at her.  Because of this one comment, she has vowed to never accept me.

I met my fathers wife and had a wonderful talk with her that lasted over 19 hours.  We got along great, however once I disagreed with the second oldest sister, she called me and threatened me over the telephone and vowed I would never be part of her family.  She did later invite me to a family event provided I understood I was not to be included in any of her family photos. I didn't attend.

I have become incredibly close to other second youngest sister, and the middle foster sister.  I also very much enjoy the company of the oldest and youngest sisters and the youngest foster sister.  I don't talk very often the oldest foster sister.

I guess the dynamics of the sibling relationships are fairly normal, even for families that grew up together.

Back to the relationship with my father.

May 2013 - he sends me a package with delivery tracking notice. The package is a letter that is truly awful with an award he received in 1980.  The award is for building an energy efficient home.  In the letter he denies climate change and tells me to read the bible. He also insinuates he is more energy conscience than me, as if it were some sort of contest.  I find this to be so completely childish, the only thing he didn't include is a tape recording of him saying, "nah nah nah nah"  This stems from a fight years ago, when he sent an email blasting the position of environmentalists. I asked to be removed from his email list and he has never forgiven me.

I had hoped that this would mark the end of the story between him and me.  But than just the other day he includes me on the cc list of another ridiculous email.  Sometimes there just isn't enough spam filters in the world.